Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
very niche meme I made
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”