I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The fall of Netflix
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*