I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Batman v Dracula
eating my hot dog hamburger style
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down