There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table