Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
When you’ve simply given up.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.