My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok