LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.