when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL