Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.