Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
March 16
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.