Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Botany good plants lately?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?