You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You Might Also Like
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My dog learned how to text
S O O N
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀