They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.