I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?