Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.