A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You Might Also Like
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.