You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
This is the coolest video you will see today.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what