When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
🤣😈🤣
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Money is the root of all wealth
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’