Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.