Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The game has officially changed 😎
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins