[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Rooting for the overdog
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.