RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”