I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks