I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.