The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.