Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee