You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.