Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.