If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
You Might Also Like
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Name another movie that mislead you?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus