me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen