Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?