Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Google assistant rules
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Shoo shoo! 😂
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.