When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?