It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.