pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Has there ever been a more American story?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME