me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.