Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though