me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You Might Also Like
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother