Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords