No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.