Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
that wasn’t the question
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?