me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
You Might Also Like
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.