Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.