i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Good morning y’all ☀️
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here