I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.