Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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I bet birds love this building.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total