I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
#parenting
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window