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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there