ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
#dalle2
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?