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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
me after drinking all the wine:
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas